On turning 20.

First, I love Rilo Kiley.

Turning a year older has never really exerted that need for denial or for a dramatic entrance. However, with the way this year has been unfolding, I feel putting a tab on your maturity and the reaction and action duly expected is not just a subjective validation. Since my birthday is in January, I can essentially turn a year older and begin the calendar year fresh. This year, I turned 20, it was not a huge deal, in fact, in was like any normal birthday/new year for me.  Now 5 months have passed and during those five months, I have been finding myself at a lot of crossroads. And many a time, I contemplate if the quintessential attitude I have been developing had been just a passing phase of a confused and naïve adolescent unreadily thrown into a world of adulthood. If the thought that you can relate to every thought and action of J.D. Salinger’s Holden Caulfield and if this reflection makes you just another angsty and confused teenager on the threshold of adulthood. So every time I bring up this puzzled side of me to my good friend who likes to smugly remind me that she is 3 years ahead of me, I get this “Welcome to adulthood” or  “ That is turning 20”. Well, despite she being a bit exaggerative and theatrical about most things… she might be is right, now, I think I know.

The funny thing is, in most cases, people get more cynical and develop a more lucrative approach as they get older. However, it has been more of the opposite for me. The cliche'd reason for getting into law, of becoming human rights activists, incorruptible judges, a lawyer for the lost causes, etc., didn't really apply to me. I just thought I would be honest to myself and maybe become a corporate lawyer and earn shitloads of money. I have to admit I sincerely thought that the money I earned would measure my success ( I was, however, only a 17 year old teenager). Well, now that is far from my mind.  Before, when you thought about the future, it was the world accommodating you; Reality check: you accommodate the world. Or you fall. Everything is so structured. So it’s either you’re brave and stupid enough to deconstruct the structure and make your own way or you follow diligently and become the typically successful person. No big breaks, no risks, your life is as mundane as it can normally be. I applaud the people who have committed ludicrous acts pursuing their dreams, their senseless belief in themselves and I hope to have their courage – there is a thin line between bravery and stupidity after all. Becoming an adult, I hope, would give me enough insight to know the difference between reality and optimism and where to draw the line. 

I have miles to go and I don’t want to reach milestones wishing I had a second chance to start all over again.


(I had posted this in June but removed it. I was going through my folders and came across it tonight and thought I would put it up again).